Fast & Furious 6

Before I get started, I have to tell you this is the first "Fast & Furious" movie I've seen. So if there is an answer to this, can someone please tell me when these people went from racing cars to performing military operations? I thought they were just a bunch of hooligans!

If you're going to see this movie, throw out all logic before the lights dim, or else you will be yelling at the screen like a psychopath. In "Fast & Furious 6", Dom Toretto and his crew are asked my Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to help him catch an international criminal. In return, the crew demands full pardons.

This was the first stupid thing I heard in this movie. Dom says "You have the power to give us pardons and we know it" or something stupid like that. First off... NO! Just no! The only people who have the power to grant pardons are Governors and Presidents. No one else! Granted, most "Fast & Furious" fans probably don't know that (or, unlike me they're willing to overlook it).

I just don't have the heart to tell him he can't... or the balls.

This movie is more mindless than most mindless action movies. They completely throw logic and physics out the window. I'm going to skip the whole movie and all of its ridiculousness and just talk about the climactic scene on the runway. There may be spoilers from here on out...

You have been warned.

First off, the cargo plane the crew was trying to take down looked like a Boeing C-17... or possibly even bigger. A plane that size could easily lift 4 or 5 cars off of the ground. And don't give me any of that "Oh,  but the one car went really really fast and pulled the wing down". Just stop it. A car that is no more than 3,500 lbs. can not take down a 171,000 lb. plane. I don't care how fast it's going. This plane is made to carry people, cars and even tanks! It's can handle it! And how long is this runway?! It takes 15 minutes for a plane to take off when it hasn't even come to a complete stop from landing in the first place?

Oh, that explains it!

Those of you who read my review for "Now You See Me" know I hate twists in a movie that don't make any sense. Well, this is the second one I've seen in two days. It made even less sense than "Now You See Me". They literally had no lead up to this twist and it was painfully obvious that they did it just to make the movie 45 minutes longer than it was going to be.

I understand the ridiculousness is what makes it a good movie to some, but I'm not buying it. I'll stick with my Giant Robots Fighting Giant Monsters thank you very much! There is probably more realism in that than there is in this movie.

There were some positives in this movie. Vin Diesel, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Ludacris.

This picture probably seems random to 99% of you.

Look it up!

My Grade: D+

Trailer Tuesdays 6/4/13

Starting today, I'm going to try doing weekly trailer updates every Tuesday and call it Trailer Tuesday. So grab a Taco on Taco Tuesday and watch some Trailers on Trailer Tuesday. Lets see if I can keep my word on this.

PRISONERS (9/20/13)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!! This will be released on the Weekend of my Birthday! And this is the first legitimately decent looking thriller of 2013. With a star studded cast of Hugh Jackman, Terrence Howard (Who is a jerk in real life, but a great actor), Viola Davis, Maria Bello and my boy Paul Dano! I have great expectations for this movie. Hopefully it lives up to them.

MACHETE KILLS (9/13/13)

The second installment of a series based on a fake trailer in "Grindhouse", "Machete Kills" looks... interesting. I wasn't a huge fan of the first one with the exception of one scene which I can't find. I'm not thrilled that Lady Gaga is in it, or Charlie Sheen (Esteves). I am, however, excited for Mel Gibson.

AIN'T THEM BODIES SAINTS (8/16/13)

Wow. No words can describe how excited I am for this movie. This trailer is better than most movies are as a whole. With a killer cast including Casey Affleck, Rooney Mara and Ben Foster, I could easily see this being one of the best movies of the year!

PERCY JACKSON: SEA OF MONSTERS (8/7/13)

I actually really enjoyed the first one. I though it was very underrated. And from what I can tell from this trailer, it's going to be just as good if not better. After seeing Logan Lerman in "The Perks of Being a Wall Flower" I've become a bit of a fan of his.

DON JON (10/18/13)

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is starring in his writing and directorial feature debut.  It definitely looks very interesting. But I don't know if I can stand 90 minutes of the Northern Jersey accent. Accents can kill a movie for me. That's one of the main reasons I wasn't a fan of "The Fighter". The Boston accent used by that many annoying people drove me crazy. I'll definitely be seeing it either way.

ABOUT TIME (11/8/13)

Brendan Gleeson's son is in this. That's all I really care about. Oh, also Rachel McAdams and Bill Nighy. Definitely looks interesting, though I feel like it's been done before. If it has, I can't remember where. I'll still see it. One of the pluses of getting free movies!

THE WORLD'S END (8/23/13)

:) YES YES YES YES YES!!!! Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Martin Freemen, Eddie Marsan, Paddy Considine, Mark Heap, Edgar Wright... Need I go on? I've been waiting for a movie from these guys since 2007 when "Hot Fuzz" was released! Can't wait!

INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS (12/6/13)

You can't go wrong with The Coen Brothers. Really, you can't. Their worst movie is still better than most Directors' best movie. And there really aren't many other Directors you can say that for. I'm glad to see an original story by them again.

WE'RE THE MILLERS (8/9/13)

It's no secret that I don't care for Ed Helms... He almost deterred me from seeing this movie. However, the young man that plays Kenny, his name is Will Poulter and he stars in one of the most underrated movies of the last 10 years, "The Son of Ranbow". If you haven't seen it, check it out. Also, he looks hilarious in "We're the Millers".

THE KINGS OF SUMMER (LIMITED RELEASE 5/31/13)

I'm disappointed that this is only limited release. I hope it expands soon, because it looks to dang good not to see in theaters. It's got Ron Swanson!!!!

Thanks for reading! Tune in next week for more trailers. Unless I suck and forget to do it.

Epic

I had a few thoughts when I first saw the trailer for "Epic". I thought "Wow. They're really modest for naming this movie 'Epic'". And I also thought "I can't tell if I like this trailer because of the trailer itself or just the song in it".

That song being the first part in the Snow Patrol song "The Lightning Strike" called "What if the Storm Ends". I know, it's confusing.

"Epic" tells the slightly intense story of a girl who goes to live with her estranged father after her Mother dies. Being obsessed with proving his theory of the forrest being filled with tiny humanoid protectors, he does little to comfort. But when she tries to run away, she finds herself shrunken by the dying Queen of a tiny civilization in order to save the forest from the Boggins. Not to be confused with the Baggins from Bag End. They were good guys.

Although, not without their flaws.

There is the first problem. I feel as though she could have done a better job if she was bigger. But who said Queen's are perfect? Especially when they're voiced by Beyoncé Knowles.

"Epic" is what I expected it to be. A non-spectacular animated film. It had it's moments, such as everything Aziz Ansari's character said, but for the most part, it lacked the heart that a lot of animated movies have.

I mean, they didn't even show anyone's Mom dying.

They just talked about it!

In all seriousness, there isn't much to this movie. It has some funny bits, but there is no heart. The relationship between Father and Daughter didn't really feel different from beginning to end and other such relationships felt forced.

This is a good movie to take your kids to, and it isn't terrible. But it's not likely to be anyones favorite. Though, I've been wrong before.

As always, go see it. Your opinion is more right for you than mine is.

My Grade: C

Now You See Me

Remember when Jesse Eisenberg was the poor man's Michael Cera and he actually played likable characters? I miss that Jesse Eisenberg. Now he just plays douche bags. It's like the nerd who was always picked on and then grew up, came into wealth and is now even more of a bully than the kids who bullied him were. I blame Mark Zuckerberg and David Fincher.

"Now You See Me" is about a group of magicians that go by the name The Four Horseman. They are brought together by a strange hooded man and begin to become the Robin Hood of Magic, but on a much broader, more unrealistic scale than Robin Hood could even begin to fathom.

After a trick in which they have a member of their audience steal $3 Million in Euros, they begin to receive the attention of the FBI. Only this version of the FBI is way more stupid than the real FBI. And they are lead by The Incredible Hulk. Not really. Just Mark Ruffalo.

Why didn't he just turn into the Hulk and smash Mr. Facebook's face...book in?

Even in a movie like this, there has to be some aspect of realism for it to be top notch. There was none in this. In the second Magic Show that they had in New Orleans, they steal money from someone and put it into the accounts of the members in the Audience. How did they know how to access everyone's accounts? And also, they just gave the FBI a HUGE list of suspects, and all of that money would have been forced back out of their accounts and to the right account. Not to mention, they would have gotten a handful of people arrested for assault. When you see the movie you'll know what I'm talking about.

This was a movie of unplanned "Wouldn't it be cool if..." scenes that were disguised as a thriller. A lot of the scenes didn't make any sense and they jumped around a lot. There were a whole bunch of plot holes and the writing was sub par.

It also bugs me in scenes, where a character stands right in front of a 

camera and they cut to the footage of the camera and it shows 

their entire body. Cameras don't work that way!

Now, I'm going to best describe my beef with the ending without giving anything away. In thrillers, where there is a twist ending, there needs to be ties in with the actual story. You can't just throw an ending that doesn't make any sense and has no ties in or clues in the movie. The thing that makes a great twist ending is being able to go back and re-watch the movie and pick up on little hints to the ending.

In "Now You See Me", the ending was just pulled out of the writers' asses. It didn't make any sense and it made everything that happened for one character in particular look completely stupid and ridiculous. Not to mention, it would have never happened because... Never mind. I've said too much.

If you see this movie, and wish to hear me rant further, just send me a message or text or something.

My Grade: C

The Croods

I'm gonna be honest with you guys. I thought this movie was gonna be terrible. I thought this was gonna be the worst animated film of the decade. I thought this was gonna make me want to gouge my eyes out. I know, a bit extreme, but I need to stress to you how little my hope was for this movie before I tell you this...

Never have I been so wrong.

"The Croods" is an animated film about a family of cave dwellers before the Ice Age. They are lead by a Father, voiced by Nicholas Cage, who is so afraid of their world that he only lets them out of the cave to find food. Of course this goes over well for everyone but the angst ridden teen that he is raising, voiced by Emma Stone.

Again, I failed you guys and I am writing this three months after watching it. I know I suck, and I'm sorry. Anyway, Something that I can't remember causes them to leave their cave and they go on quite possibly, the worlds first road trip. On this road trip you may or may not laugh, cry smile depending on if you have a heart or not.

For those of you who know him, doesn't this look like a

Cave Man version of Mike Egan?

This movie surprisingly has a lot of heart and good messages in it for how ridiculously goofy it is at times. It is a great example of how a family must keep together through everything, but at the same time should never keep them from achieving their dreams. With great lessons like that, it amazes me that there are people out there who don't let their kids watch TV or movies. You can learn so much from them.

Like how Sloths used to be used as belts... I'm sure that's a real thing.

My Grade: B+

Snitch

It seems that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is the go to guy for action movies now. Which is great. I've never really liked wrestling, but I was always a fan of his. Mainly because I heard he was a good cook. Unfortunately, I never did smell what he was cooking.

"Snitch" is based (loosely, I assume) off of a true story. It's about a Father who helps the DEA in order to get his son off a Drug Trafficking charge. He poses as a man whose business has reached hard times and wants to start transporting drugs to pay off his companies debts. With the help of Agent Cooper, played by Barry Pepper (One of the Most Underrated Actors of our time) and an employee of his named Daniel James, played by Jon Bernthal ("Walking Dead"), he finds himself getting deeper and deeper into drug trafficking, all to save his son.

Snitches GIVE Stitches

And Barry Pepper looks like a bad ass.

This movie was good for what it was. It was an action movie, and not much more. Although they did try to make it like a PSA by having statistics on drug related crimes at the end, but who cares? Dwayne Johnson keeps proving himself as an actor with every movie he makes. He has come a long way since "The Mummy Returns" and "The Scorpion King".

Also makes you appreciate how far CGI has come.

I saw this movie back in February and just decided to do a review now... Not the best way to do it, but I'm not getting paid to do these, so deal with it! BUt I can tell you that this movie was enjoyable, but it did have it's flaws.

The Soundtrack was not one of them. Surprisingly beautiful music for an action movie. Seriously. Listen to the whole song.

My Grade: B-

After Earth

Sometimes, I feel some people are too hard on some movies. The internet has made everyone and their mother a cynic and has given them a platform to express their cynicisms. Hell, I used to be one and every now and then my cynical side comes back out, like a relapse for a recovering alcoholic. But mostly, I try to find the good in things and try to enjoy them for what they are. M. Night Shyamalan is a big target for the cynics. And apparently, his new film "After Earth" is no exception.

Not even The Fresh Prince can save him.

I feel as though M. Night Shyamalan is the Nickelback of the film industry. Everyone makes fun of him, but only a handful know why they do. The rest are just followers of the pack. Now, I'm not saying all of his movies are amazing. I'm just saying he was dealt a crappy hand. His first two major movies, "The Sixth Sense" and "Unbreakable" were arguably both masterpieces. I tend to agree with that sentiment. But since his two movies were fantastic, everyone expected every movie he made to be fantastic. And that is just statistically impossible. I mean, even Spielberg made "1941" and "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull".

Although, I mainly blame George Lucas for that one.

P.S. This was the tamest picture of this episode I could find.

Perhaps I just have a soft spot in my heart for M. Night Shyamalan. He's a fellow Philadelphian, and I first decided to do something with film as my career while watching "The Village". 

Yes, I like that movie. Deal with it!

I don't think any of his movies are as bad as everyone says. I also believe whoever did his marketing between "The Village" and "The Happening" was the worst marketer in the history of films. If you watch "The Happening" with the minds set that it is an homage to B-movies, it becomes much better.

However, there is no excuse for "The Last Airbender". That's just terrible.

Anyway. Where were we?

Oh, that's right! Thanks Will!

"After Earth" is a coming of age story of Katai, the son of a legendary soldier named Cypher. Katai and his father find themselves left on Earth, now inhabited by wild life and an atmosphere that has evolved to kill humans. Their already strained relationship is tested as Cypher, unable to walk, guides his son through the landscape to the tail of their ship where he must retrieve the beacon that will send a distress signal back to their home planet.

Once again, pre-maturely sabotaged by poor reviews, "After Earth" is yet another one of M. Night Shyamalan's decent films that is attacked by the cynics of the world. I mean, it has a 12% on Rotten Tomatoes as of June 3rd, 2013, while "Oblivion" has a 55%. At least "After Earth" isn't a blatant rip off of a movie that was released less than 5 years ago. This movies got off to a slow start, but once it got going, it became very suspenseful.

This movie won't be the best movie of the year. It probably isn't even the best movie of the week. (I still have yet to see "Now You See Me") But it is far from deserving of the hate it is already receiving, much like most of Shyamalan's previous projects. But I guess people hate you when you make movies you want to make rather than being told by the studio what movies you should make.

LEAVE M. NIGHT ALONE!!!!!!

My Grade: B-