Dr. Wierdlust: Or How I Conquered the Oscars and Almost Slapped a Woman in the Face

Tonight, in about three and a half hours, is the Academy Award Ceremony. Usually, I only see about three to five of the Best Picture nominations, which was pretty good when there were only five. But I came to conclusion that that wasn't fair to the rest of the nominations, because If a Film I hadn't seen won Best Picture (As "The Artist" had last year. I have since corrected that lack of brilliance in my life.) I had no right to complain. And I love complaining. So this year, I decided to do something crazy.

I made the Oscars my bitch.

The safety word was "Oscar". Needless to say it caused

much confusion that day.

Pictured above is myself and some homeless guy named Alan (or possibly Steve) that followed me around all day. Luckily, he never asked for change. But we spent from 10:00 AM Saturday until 9:30 AM Sunday morning watching all of the Best Picture Nominations. It was an arduous journey that required several liters of caffeine and a copious amount of pee breaks, as well as endurance and the self control to not slap the stupid woman who said stupid things after every stupid movie because she was a stupid head. I'll tell you more about that later.

First up, was "Amour". Being the only film in the showcase I hadn't seen, I was glad they were getting it out of the way. And being an Austrian French Language (Make up your mind, Austria!) film with subtitles, if they had shown it at the wee hours of the morning, there may have been a riot in which several fat and lazy American citizens (myself included) declared war on French-India, French-Canada, French-Africa and French-France.

They're saying, "I am French! I am so Very French!" 

Over and Over Again.

"Amour" was a beautiful movie that told the story of a man whose wife has a stroke. As her quality of life steadily goes down-hill, he stays with her, caring for her and taking on the stress that comes with it. Because, well, he loves her. It was so sad and so French.

Alan-Steve may have had to poop. I can't be sure.

After a relatively quiet ending to the film, the lady, who had not shown her true face until this point, said "Well that was stupid" in a very loud and obnoxious voice. While homeless man Steve (or Alan) was holding me back from fighting her ( I totally could have won), I was well aware that she was entitled to her opinion. And she is (until a statement she made later). But did she have to be so obnoxious about it? I chocked this one up to her loneliness. She was alone and had no one to share the experience with or to quietly and respectfully critique the movies with. So I put my shirt back on, which  was now ripped and tattered from me going hulk on it, and sat down and continued munching on my popcorn and Reese's Pieces.

My Grade for "Amour": B

Next up was "Lincoln". Steve-Alan and I were still going strong. We were ready to watch everyone's favorite President kick some Democratic butt! (Copy Right. All Rights Reserved. Campaign Motto of  George Bush, 2004). 

You can read my critique of "Lincoln" here. But not here.

The demon in a woman's body began talking to the gentleman behind her. This would have been fine, had she not had the voice of one thousand Animals from the Muppets.

"DRUM, BITCH, DRUM!"

Then the unforgivable happened. I will never forget the pain she caused everyone in the theater after she uttered what should be deemed as a terroristic threat or at the very least high treason. She eased into her set-up for chaos by bringing up Oscar snubs. A fair topic at such an event. First, she stated that Ben Affleck didn't deserve a nomination, thus shrugging off the obvious hate crime to "Reindeer Games".

As a single tear rolled down my cheek, I thought the worst was over. There was no other way she could be anymore of a meany-pants-stupid-head than that. But I was wrong... I was dead wrong. She said, "I think the biggest snub this year was the fact that "Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part II" wasn't nominated for best picture".

Artistic rendition of my reaction.

I don't remember what happened next. All I remember was waking up and standing over her lifeless body. Her eyes were pierced with straws and her mouth and throat filled with popcorn. I then quietly returned to my seat.

The next two films were "Argo" and "Django Unchained". Then we broke for dinner. Please enjoy this collection of pictures in which I write things underneath of them.

Don't worry, Ben. I forgive you.

Pissing off Spike Lee since 2012.

I have scientific proof that a diet of popcorn, Reese's Pieces, 

Wendy's Chicken Nuggets, Burgers and Fries and an inhumane 

amount of Coke Zero will make you loose 10 pounds overnight!

After dinner, Alan McSteve and I went back to the theater, ready to take on 5 more movies. "Les Misérables", a story where a man fought the law and the law went and killed himself was next. (SPOILER ALERT! Sorry I wrote it after, but if you didn't know that already that just means you don't care and therefore don't matter) 

Then came "Zero Dark Thirty". It started at 12:30 AM. By 2:00 AM, there was still an hour left in the movie, and I had been up for 19 hours straight. So I decided to take a nap, because whats more American than killing Osama Bin Laden in your sleep? According to Steve McAlan, my snores during the raid scene made everyone cry tears of patriotism.

I tried Googling "Patriot Tears" But all 

that came up were pictures of Tom Brady crying.

 And he's had a hard enough year as it is.

After my 'MURICA nap. We only had three films left. "Life of Pi", "Silver Linings Playbook" and "The Beasts of the Southern Wild". We went through the two former without any situations. But before the last movie of the night... or day.... The Beast of the Northern Domestic came back! The woman whom had been quiet the past six movies came back for her revenge. "ONE MORE MOVIE" she roared repeatedly as the rest of us attempted to rip off our ears. I knew what I had to do. I had to slay the dragon once more. But as I approached her, she fled in fear. For she saw the fire in my eyes and decided ain't nobody got time for that! As she stormed out, the theater cheered and chanted "Go, guy! Go, guy!" Because why would they chant my name? They don't know me! And when "Amour" seems so sad and so French ago, the last movie started.

"The Beasts of the Southern Wild" is a story about a little girl who lives with her daddy in a sub-culture of Louisiana (I'm guessing) where they live south of the Levees and no one works and all they do is drink all day and set off fire works. Alan-Steven the third thought it was heaven, until a storm hits and their homes are flooded. With her fathers health growing worse by the day, they try to cope with the worsening conditions of their home.

This is definitely the most unique film of the entire list. It is a very poetic movie seen through the eyes of a child, and has the best musical score of the entire year, in my opinion. But the academy disagrees. Because they're communist spies from the USSR. It's 1969 right?

Just take a listen. Especially around 1:05.

My Grade: A-

I don't agree with this, but my sister would.

I do agree with the "I'm not crying. You're crying" part. 

That's exactly how Alan-Steven and I reacted after.

Below is the list of nominees from best to still good but not as good, in my opinion.

1. "Argo"

2. "Lincoln"

3. Silver Linings Playbook

4. Les Misérables

5. Life of Pi

6. The Beasts of the Southern Wild

7. Django Unchained

8. Zero Dark Thirty

9. Amour

Actual picture of the drive home that actually happened.

Not planned at all, I promise